June 25th
My
time in Nicaragua has officially ended, and I wanted to say a few things quickly while
they were fresh. As I have a week in Costa Rica to reflect, I wanted to start with a list of things I have
learned both about others and myself in these 5 months overseas.
1) Poverty
is so very real.
2) Evil
and suffering do exist.
3) I
can move and have my being in those worlds.
4) We,
as humans, have the crazy ability to adapt to any place and relate to any
person.
5) One
of my goals is to continue learning different languages. I enjoy the process
and am passionate about communicating with different cultures.
6) Independence
makes me feel alive.
7) People
are the most important.
8) Exteriors
don’t actually matter.
9) God
can be found: both in darkness and in light, in joy and in pain.
10)
I need support.
11)
I
am a declared hypochondriac. No way around it. Damn.
12)
I do like some form of routine/structure.
13)
I crave like-minded individuals in whom I can
share my heart.
14)
The poor are so very blessed despite the
physical circumstances.
15)
Nature speaks.
16)
I am a small, small part of this world.
17)
Having said that, though we may just be a
flicker of light, one person can set the world ablaze.
18)
Everyone I meet can teach me something.
19)
Gratitude. Gratitude. Gratitude.
20)
I can survive with a lot, a lot LESS.
21)
Time passes, and we have no control over how
quickly or slowly it goes. Appreciate each moment.
22)
I have been set free knowing that the opinions
of others & the need for approval should have no bearing on who I am.
23)
Beauty can be found anywhere.
24)
Beholding brokenness draws me closer, closer,
closer.
25)
In
God’s heart, there dwells joy and grief, pain and pleasure, beauty and
brokenness. If I want to experience one, I must accept the other, realizing
that you cannot truly know one without the other.
On that last point, something I have felt a lot of conflict over and struggled with
in my time in Nicaragua--working for House of Hope, and just seeing the poverty
these people live in, is doubt. I have found myself asking, “God, where are you
in this? Why does this happen? How can this much darkness and evil exist?” I
began to pray the Psalmist David’s plea:
“Part your heavens, O Lord and come down; touch the
mountains so that they smoke…” (Psalm 144:5).
I found myself praying that when I felt despair over the
situation of the girls in the home, when I heard about an experience my brother
or mother was going through, when I saw the pregnant adolescent on the corner
begging. It made me doubt, made my faith feel shaky and illegitimate. This
leads me to a moment I had as I was driving away from Nicaragua. I cried the
whole bus ride to the border. Why? I felt deep in my soul like I was leaving
these people behind. I felt the sadness I had encountered, and it felt heavy. I
kept asking, “God, where are you in this? Where is the hope?”
I do believe God said to me, “Margaret. You got to bring the hope. You brought the light. You WERE it.” And it hit me in that moment
that God, in His goodness, allows us to see His heart by embodying that sort of hope. We are
made to bring the light. He showed me his special treasures, his own heart,
when he allowed me to share in their sufferings. This world is a dark place, and evil does exist. But, it is our responsibility to open our hearts and release light into those places.
I believe light is love. It is Jesus in human form. It is not burdensome because it
is not my job to save these people. However, it is beautiful for it IS my
calling to love these people. That’s the part that will live on, the act that
is eternal. I choose to believe that love will overcome the evil that I saw in
that place. I choose to believe that God is gathering little light-bearers to
expel darkness and to live out his goodness and his love in this world.
